Two Months and Counting (11427)

I have neglected to update this blog as I ought.  More accurately, I have not shared in a long while because every time I sat down to write I was unsure of exactly what to say that would be both honest and beneficial to the reader.  I have a veritable cavalcade of feelings and thoughts and I am still not exactly sure how to condense and sort it all to be understood.  I am most grateful to so many and in awe of the how we got here.  I am excited to start this next season of "being whole again" and yet in the same breath I must tell you that this journey has been difficult in ways I had not expected.

In the first few weeks after surgery I was in pain and I slept often.  In the following weeks I was slowly healing and quickly overdoing it...

As I think we all do, I genuinely want to improve myself and quite frankly, I cannot wait until I am more patient.  Patience is something I struggle with and I am afraid my recovery is no exception.  However, it has given me the opportunity to see many things that a busy "normal me" would have missed.  When all you have is time the things in the back of your mind creep ever closer to the front and in that way I have been both blessed and cursed.  I will try not to make this post into a novel and keep to an overview format but I hope to share in a little more depth the details in the missing block of time in the days (likely weeks) to come.

Phase I: My last post left off (in April--shame on me) with me trying to keep myself straight and not rush the recovery... For those who know me well I have seldom played the straight man and this proved to be no exception.  I can breathe better now than I can ever remember breathing.  While on the pain medicines I felt little so I did much.  My stamina was and is still low so even in doing mundane things I am easily wearied.  In this I have seen the great benefits of heavy drugs.  The drugs also have a downside in that I didn't feel anything,  Seriously, I was numb.  In that numbness I was often self-absorbed and distant from the people quite literally surrounding me.

Phase II: As I tried to cut back on the narcotics I had to balance the need to be up and about with the signals to be still.  I also had an up close and front row seat to the chaos that can be Stacey's world.  Her gifts of ordering and planning coupled with her seemingly endless labor keep it at bay--until six kids a dog and now two birds collide with the hazards of life.  I always appreciated her work in the everyday mommy role but I now see every victory and failure in the organism that is our home.  Now add me sitting, standing, or laying down with little hope of assisting in the fray and you understand the frustration of not being what she needs me to be.  After all, there is only so much sage wisdom to be shared from a recliner and the cooking, cleaning, and all out wrangling grossly outweighs my small contributions.  Still she labors on with grace.

Phase III: After the first six weeks we made another trip to St. Louis.  This time with the help of my brother Sean we ventured out and back in one day.  I feel like I have spent enough nights in St. Louis for a while... The follow up involved very little in regards to any new information.  It was basically to make sure that there were no issues with the way the bones were setting and how the hardware and special sauce (Bone Morphogenetic Proteins) were incorporating themselves in the healing bones.  I donned my special wrap dress that had what appeared to be a background print from some 90's TV show and once properly gowned I again pursued my dream of becoming an X-Ray model.  Below for those who like these sort of things are the "after shots"

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Phase IV: "He's off his meds!" So I had the bright idea of just not taking drugs at all.  I doubt Mrs. Reagan had ever experienced the withdraw chills or violent headaches when she sloganed about the country with "Just Say No" in her war on drugs... Nasty stuff, but the frustration of being in rock star euphoria one minute and dealing with all the side effects that come along with it the next led me to just say no.  At this point it felt like starting rehab all over again.  I slept often and it took longer to catch up after overdoing it.  I was taking some pretty heavy doses for years prior to surgery so this is a whole new frontier for me.  After the initial break of no drugs at all and the withdraw I am back to taking something if sleep evades me for too long or the pain blocks rational thought.  All that to say that I am still in the process of staying drug free but at this point I am no longer dependent.

Phase V: The next thing will come.  I will return to work, barring any major setbacks, the first week of July.  I am working on my stamina daily and feel like it is coming along.  The fact that I am able to get back into "normal life" again soon is exciting and at every step whether easy or difficult I am reminded that this is recovery.  It was not long ago that there was little hope of better only slowing down this disease that has stolen much from me and more from my family.  Now we are looking forward to a day when all this is past tense.  Amazing.  

As you think of us rejoice that what was broken is mending.  Pray that patience and temperance rule in the place if restlessness and frustration.  Our path thus far was no mystery to the Father of Lights and we look forward to His good gifts that still lay ahead.  We also trust that the grace we need tomorrow will be offered as it has been all along the way and that we will see His hand in every good gift. 

Jon Michael Moorehead